痕迹出现后，一切都好模糊
Thursday, November 12
12-November-2009; 7.20pm至少还有你
Chemistry Remedial + Dance practice! :(
7 more days to class chalet!(:
26 more days to YOG opening ceremony!(:
34 more days Fahrenheit come Singapore!(:
35 more days to heartbreak or
我愿意放弃所有的东西，也愿意牺牲自己，就是不要忘掉你
Morning planned to go out with Jeralyn but called her and she sounded asleep, or rather she was still sleeping. So Mummy bring me go whitesands then took 88 to school. Reached school early, went to change and slacked in canteen. Then warmup was led by Joleen because committee eating, which was good; because we slacked throughout. But after the committee came in, still had to do the stomach and leg lifts. Break for 5 minutes and Ms.Goh came, run through the whole dance, and Ms.Goh warned that she is going to be very strict with us today, so she chased modern dancers out for 1 hour while she grilled and tortured the Indian dancers, then change over. Touch ttm! :( Every little detail could not escape her eye. Pffft, ran around the circle for about 10+ rounds, then everyone was so dizzy. And when it was the change of cast, cast 2 don't know how to do, so it was like OMG at the circle part. Went to 7-11 with Judith, then home with Chantelle. Which reminds me, I'm going to search for Chantelle on facebook!^^ -.-'' typical. Ubber please with myself, oversplits don't hurt. Grand jete achieved that straight line. Sit and reach flat. Whoo~
I have forgotten about the Chemistry worksheet stashed like a crumpled vegetable in my bag. And I have to complete it before morning, tssssk! Slacking is an art yeah. And I do feel like breaking down, because I've been so tired recently with the dance practices I keep on procrastinating about homework. I guess that's what been causing my serious mood swings, fatigue and stress. For not getting steps right, and high hopes on myself. Especially the part where we have to kneel, I totally flopped it. Due to the constant strains and injuries on my left knee, I can't bend all the way down. Or if I can, I'll fall to pieces because I can't push myself up, all the strength have gone, together with my injury.
Now I'm reminiscence-ing. No, not about happy stuff. It's about something depressing which have been on my heart since primary 5. I'm thinking how would I react to it 35 days later. I've gone through the trauma and patched back my heart through the remains and recovery period for approximately 6 times. I'm not very much immune to it, because I never let myself. It's a deep phobia, not about heights or darkness. Something worst. A deep secret and scar have in the process, been carved in my heart. I don't know what to do. I seem to be at this crossroad, that thing pressed me near the edge of suicide. So I've got my plan all worked out now. If the results prove to be negative, I'll jump down. I don't want to go through the heart-aching process of healing again. Plus, I don't even have the courage to think of the consequences if I opted for... Call me a coward, if you want. Indeed I am. But try putting yourself in my shoes. It's traumatic enough, and I'm a dancer. So if the results is indeed bad, then I'll only have 35 days left on earth. In this short period, I'm packed with hectic dance schedules. Very much, I'll treasure it. So it is very vulnerable, awww. There, 35 more days to treasure things, to understand the significance of things and people around me. Ohhh so pessimistic...
What kind of person am I? More of dignity and pride I guess, sadly to say. So it's a wonder I've kept a secret so well, so well nobody knows, so well it rubbed again and again on my wound. No wonder I'm an introvert when it comes to personal stuff. I know it isn't right to bottle things up, but I don't know who can I share my burden with. I'm afraid of people stereotyping me. So should I say my acting skills are so good that nobody saw through my scars, or should I phrase it that nobody bothered about helping me through the critical period? Or should I say, I set unrealistic goals for myself, and slunk in dejection because I cannot reach it? Or I am that pessimist who wish that I could laugh everything out? How would you classify me? I'm curious yet intimidated to know. I ain't me anymore, I jolly well know that. Common, save me. Before the real Vanessa disappears behind a facade forever.
Can I possibly live until my 14 birthday?
Some scars are acting up again. I never should have forgotten how hurt I was, I cried continuously in the dark for 2 months. How could I have forgotten? How could I let myself get sooo hurt? And I'm afraid, my deepest and darkness wound is alive again. And... I don't know to manage my emotions.
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