Rhapsody... Why?
Wednesday, October 14
14-October-2009; 3.21pm ( 16 more days )
I'm going to meet her now- Kimbum
1. Golden Landmark for ballet stuff tomorrow.
2. Pasir Ris Park/E!hub with Sheikha on Friday.
3. Grandparents house on Saturday.
4. Book holiday with travel agency.
Kimbum's song is making me cry. Mood swing like crazy today. Emotions are getting worse by the day, and interfering in my way of doing stuff too much. One moment feeling euphoric, and in a split second, mood descend and tears can fall. Damn. My mind is going hay wired. Can't wait for tomorrow man, morning breakfast at Macs with Mummy then go buy ballet stuff and meet Gina pass her the coaching CD^^ So many things to buy. Black leotard(full back), Classical Wrap Skirt, Character Skirt, Character High-heeled shoes, Ballet tights, Canvas Shoe. OMG pffft, it's going to be a easy $200. Parents already nagging about the cost. Tsk Tsk. Plus it's real redundant too luhh, only using for like 5 months, because transferring to RAD. Anyway, Daddy called SOTA. Going to audition in March/June? So if it's successful, I'm going to appeal and transfer within next year, so I'll be in SOTA in 2010 August:D No more SJC!(: But... August is the freaking month of YOG! Wth hell luhh-.-'' I want to get on TV, golden opportunity leh! But... unless I survive through the ordeal in December, then say luhh. Praying everyday, hoping for a miracle to happen. If the doctor say cannot dance anymore, I am going to jump down infront of his eyes and haunt him everyday. People have gone through the operation successfully, but I can't brace myself up, I admit I'm weak, but I've really got no courage to see my ambition and passion slowly fading away... Maybe...? I'm sick and tired, I've experienced this trauma for 4 times already, I don't want a 5th time.... What's the point of dreading it so much and every night after the visit back to the hospital I cry for hours and wake up with swollen eyes? And the grief and heartache, who exactly understands. It's traumatic to go under the knife and recuperate at home for 1 month, not being able to move, further more, a dancer. And if the pathetic operation flops? Paralysed? I won't, even if it threatens my life and cause a life-threatening problem further on in life. I'm willing to take the risk to become a dancer. Look, this may be my last 2 months on earth, I won't even be here until the 21 December 2012 when the earth dies. So people... please treasure me this 2 months. For you never know how precious I am, until you loose me.
*I was thinking about how heart-breaking it would be to have to give up dance. Then memories of ballet just flooded back. How much tears, and how I would miss dancing, not seeing teacher...* When I started breaking down yesterday night, before I sleep. Cool right. If the thought of things can upset me so much, to what extent will reality hurt me? Yeah, SUICIDE.
Morning. Watch Pi Li MIT for like 2 hours and Mummy go whitesands. So I watch until like WOW, so mesmerized by Gui Gui and Aaron<3 gay="Happy)">I'm loosing courage to fight, thanks to you. It's weird to cry over you, NO, it's crying over the hurt you inflicted on me. And you still can act non-chalent and innocent. Seriously, you are so very hard-core. I really don't know what I did. And I apologised for something I did not do wrong. What more you want? I'm not planning chalet to let myself be left isolated while the rest are having fun. No way! If you think I'm doing it, you're wrong. I know it too well.... just too well...
My biggest mistake this year:
1.Thinking that fairytales existed.
2.Thinking that kind-souls will help me overcome my fear.
3.Thinking I will settle in SJC with a best friend/clique.
4.Rejecting "you-know-what" ( Yiying, Priscilla, Amanda, Sheikha know )
5.Falling in love.
6.Apologising thrice for things I didn't do wrong.
7.Slashing myself...
Labels: 始终就是哭不出来
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