原来是我戏演太弱...
Thursday, October 8
眼泪，就像窗外的雨滚落下来。那酸酸的味道，突然好熟悉。倔强不了多久，也勉强不了多久，因为泪水都快要疯了，就随着心里的痛苦表现出来。。。
And the empty seat, isn't it significant, it was where you once sat.
08-October-2009; 2.53pm DNA-By2
Combined Science, Math, D&T, Art to go.
Vanessa! Carry on fighting on. You're running the last lap for this year!
let's just not give up...
How times flies. Soon, my first innocent year in sjc would be over, we'll not be regarded as the youngest of the school anymore, we're becoming seniors to the new batch of sec 1(s). Honestly, I'm terrified and really wish time would stop here. It's really weird how much times revolves around oneself without he/she noticing, and when she did notice, time have already slipped by, and time can't be rewind. How precious it is... 请在给我一个不会熄灭的心，因为受了重伤过后的心是很难痊愈，复原的。就像我有再多的遗憾，也很难背着他勇敢的逃往；就比如说我真的找到出口逃往，始终能逃去那里？还不是一无所有？如果人生真的如戏，那么完美的结局也会存在的。。。对吧? 可是现实就是那么的残酷，没有王子，也没有人会大方的帮助虚弱的人。所以现在，当我在拼命的寻找出口时，请别再伤害我了。我不知所措，单纯的认为我还懂，当时间证明了他并不是伤口的解药，所以就算我后悔了又怎样？在人家的眼里，我已经是一个失败者，寄生虫，再也爬不出困扰我的黑暗。你错了，真的错了。我并不勇敢，也没有勇气克服心里的痛苦，恐惧，仇恨。。。当我独自的离开，回忆跟我擦肩而过，而对于最后的伤痛，看来我也承受下去对吧? 心不再了，脑袋却一片空白，剩下的，只有遗憾，眼泪，悲伤来代替笑容。答应我，但我从回忆和伤痛走出来之后，醒过来之后，我不必再要和时间赛跑，太累了，太痛苦了。我不要再依赖了，你根本不了解我，我知道你很讨厌我，别再装下去了。。。总算到这一天，我没有什么好期待的，也没有什么好开心的。看来，时间真的到了，来让我溶解心中挡住的痛。。。看来在每个人的笑容后，真的有一颗那么脆弱，那么容易受伤的心。尤其是你，为了要自己的面子，的光荣，来伤害我。开心了吗？我一辈子恨你，就算做了鬼也会来找你。你是谁，自己应该心里有数。放开吧，是时间了，我再也从黑暗醒不来了。。。And Mrs.Wong? I'm really not as strong as you think. sorry for breaking that promise constantly and making you so worried about me):
Exam period, ain't blogging as much. Recently scheldue so tight, problems appearing one after another, just seems too much for what a 13 year old would solve. This is disheartening... Well, before I ramble on... CONGRATULATIONS DANCE ENSEMBLE! (: for winning champion in the performing arts area for notice board and overall. Cool~ we got like 2 big big champion! And happiness is like written all over Ms.Goh's face!:D then after that Priscilla went with me to find Mrs.Wong... and she sneaked away, what a clever act._. and i was like yeah, Mrs.Wong, I got suicidal thoughts and I walked away, but she caught me-.-'' so we stood like outside the hall talking for 35 minutes. Omg[: She's like so nice! But I still failed to tell her my biggest worry... T.T
Friday went back to Meridian with Sheikha for latern festival. Shakey, you're really a irritating one of a kind monster(ly) dwarf! Last minute call me and I already bathe finish no mood go down. But still, went. And she was utterly insane to wear long sleeves and jeans. HAHA! But boring to the maximum, so we ended up challenging each other to say hello to strangers and teacher. And I had to say hi to like Mr.Sasi! ><
Us: Hello (e.g) Ms.Wong!(:
Her: Hello how are you?
Us: Fine._.
Her: Okay...
And conversations just end abrupt. The happy moments I used to had with teachers, like how we can endlessly talk like friends, why are we being so formal now? It's only been less than a year, this thought is real depressing): Saturday went for 3 hour long ballet. Keep crying during ballet. I don't even feel like talking about it, but if you read this pathetic blog two days later, I'll probably update you, because hardcore feelings never go away, like how the sudden lonely feeling for ballet grows, by the week...
It's sad when people you know,
Become people you knew.
When you can walk right past
Someone like they were
Never part of your life.
How we used to be able to talk...
for hours and now you can't
barely even look at them
`Katherine, I'm referring to you here. Stop acting like you don't care, because you jolly well do... You're now a stranger to me, and left this big hole in my heart, where you left your footprint. My heart is as shallow as anything, and you don't understand the misery caused.
Exams, EOY, seems like this huge obstacle in my life right now that I can't overcome. Mug, but can't help slacking and procrastinating and it never ends. Endless of things to memorize within a limited amount of time, chapters after chapters. Dreading the paper the next day, but still managed to survived through it with a leaden heart. Energy level dying day by day, fatigue getting stronger day by day. Atmosphere gets tenser day by day, when will this end? Another few days away, what strength and pushes me to run this very last lap... The last lap determines everytime, common, Vanessa! No more time to let emotions get in your way. Stand up and push yourself, to the best of your limit and abilities, for once it's gone, there's nothing I can do... to get it back....
Really fear when I mug way into night, and I look at clock, minutes past, and hours, one by one just zoom past. 12am, 1am, 2am. My eyelids just eventually close, the house is so quiet and dark, parents and brother snoring, yet I'm there fighting, and collapsing. Wake up yet again, and remember and force and squeeze yet another chapter of knowledge into the ready-to-explode brain. Tears fall, in panic, fear, anxiety... Emotional hijack as I realize no, it cannot be completed within the next hour. Major crash of emotions. And suddenly the room door open, and I have to fight back tears and continue moving on. Exam are eating the ass out of students And the school really think we're mechanical robots?
I think I've gone on to screw geography today. Not one question which I know the answer to. Okay, I know, some._. I'm going to be a pro... in FAILING. Really feel like I've disappoint tons of people around me. Chinese, didn't expect it to be that difficult, but what can we do? It's long over, just have to fight for science tomorrow...
And now I'm regretting, shouldn't have rejected that offer. Can't stay on in sjc anymore, because I'm only going to sink further in here. I turned down such a valuable offer, am I stupid or what? Well. I'll have to audition again next year. Oh yeah! STILL GOT THE STUPID NOTICE BOARD TO DESIGN. 1D, go on and buy the class tee without me. If only you could see that I've long stop fighting. Or did you even see me struggle? Whatever. Somebody, please save me from imprisoning myself in darkness. PLEASE HELP! Tampines with Sheikha tomorrow after school, ahh. Something to look forward to... After eoy, I'm going to treat and soothe out whatever tension I have. Bliss man, can see those days ahead. Only, I have nobody to celebrate with... I'm just this lonely ghost, still don't get it? I'm going to be surrounded in this Fahrenheit+BOF frantic again, and go back in time, like I use to, that is provided
I...
DONT KILL MYSELF. bang bang baby. I can't take it anymore.
Someday, I really wish someone can save me before I drown... 知道吗？凡是只有受伤过的人才懂得伤口有多深，多痛。。。眼泪不是给推动力和力量的东西，反而是使人更寂寞，脆弱的因素。
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