Saturday, October 17
17-October-2009; 7.57pmLove U- Howl
7 more days to ballet
13 more days to school holiday
For the first time in my life, I never felt so useless
3 more days before telling Ms.Goh...
3 more days and life is reverting back to it's usual hetic pace. Tuesday check paper already, so fast:( Whatever. That's not my biggest worry. That's only a student worry, my worries stretches far beyond what a 13 year old should be experiencing, and sadly, nobody knows it. Depression is destroying my teenage life. If I look back at my last year of childhood, which is obviously, last year, it was also ruined. Just how much more do I want to kill my own teenage years, which are just this fragile? Fact is, as much as I want to stop it, I can't. And instead of helping me pull through this entire ordeal, you added salt to the fire. Well, I will stop giving people anymore heart-attacks with my near-suicide attempts, because what's the point of saving my life here? When I am struggling to end it, when people are struggling to make me realize how precious it is? Life is indeed precious, but it isn't anymore when it crushes on you with the most hard-felt emotions and reality. Whatever. I really hope Ms.Goh understands me and don't give me a tongue-lashing when she hears my reason for switching. My explanation should be valid enough, because I really don't want... Sorry Ms.Goh ): I don't even want to take hcl next year anymore, with hope of not being in 2D, this sounds daft and insane, but... to not have a following year of heartbreaks, I'm willing to sacrifice. Plus, I'm putting all my hope into getting to SOTA during June's talent academy and transferring.
Morning wake up then ate breakfast. But the stupid half boil egg is so raw, it almost made me puked. So I switch to eating chocolate cake, but appetite ruined by that fucking egg, which I vow never to eat in my entire life. Then after that go Toa Payoh visit grandparents. Then I ask Yiying go TP is 163 or 136 I was expecting a text back, but my handphone rang instead._. lol(: Thank you. But anyway took 58 then changed to 28, and the bus 28 smelled like fish was rotting inside, I wished I bought clothes hanger to peck my nose. Tssssk-.-'' Then reach grandma house eat lunch. After that I beg Mummy bring me go Toa Payoh central see clothes, then she scold me say cannot. HELL luhh. At least my brother got toys play, then I no source of entertainment. No internet connection, no TV( there is but my grandparents watching opra ) so what you want me do? Click away at solitaire? Or join in opra and make my handphone screen crack? Conference with Sheikha and Amanda, funny ttm. But then cramp+gastric attacked me:( Then never bring painkillers, almost cried. In disappointment, sadness and anger. But I did cry, 5 times to be exact. Why can't fairy tales exist. How innocent I am to believe that happily ever afters do exist. What a terribly huge mistake I made, because the perfect bubble I formed around myself burst, living me torn and shattered...
BOF is showing in life 20 minutes. Sadly, I got a fever. Temperature fluctuating. Got neck-ache, and a serious throbbing headache. Eyelids dropping by the minute. Hmm, I do have a weak immune system, like Sheikha. Hahahawhaw^^ Oh, I have another 98 aeroplanes to eat before I can make a wish... God, I pray that aeroplanes fly above my head frequently, guiding me to the final destination, and please let me wake up one day, clean and pure. Amen OMGOMG. Parents agreed to letting me buy the Fahrenheit's World Tour Tee.
You broke my wonderful miraculously fragile bubble, and expect me to struggle here for dear life, while you cruely smirk your head off and watch me take my last breath. I finally saw your true colours.
To you: I was wrong in believing you would really guide me through rough patch. I can't be brave here, I thought I could trust you. Gee, how wrong I am. And how stupid I was. 今天是第一次被眼泪给沿了，第一次那么不顾一切的爱上了你，第一次受那么重的伤。第一次眼泪骗过自己，倔强不让他流，勉强逼自己快乐，告诉自己并不痛，明明就那么脆弱，还要装，你知道。。。我有多累吗？今天也是第一次单纯恋爱时被割伤，第一次痛得哭得不成人样，第一次被朋友受伤，被恋人背叛， 也是。。。 第一次让寂寞的刺 扎我的心脏。你说，今天到底我到底受了多少委屈？
YET ANOTHER STEP CLOSER TO SUICIDE.
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