为什么快乐融化的那么快？
Sunday, September 27
27-September-2009 ; 8.04pm
Don't go away-By2
D&T, Geography, Chemistry paper/project, Biology, Physics
stop threatening me. I'm sick and tired of it, don't you know my love for ballet?
Diao-.-'' yesterday parents left me home alone and I started on homework and revision. Then watched 霹雳MIT episode 3, then got totally freaked out>< Mummy&Daddy if that's what I am to you, and we lack communication and trust SOO much, then perhaps, yes, I shall run away. Tomorrow is Monday again. Can sense a stressful week coming up):
Today morning, mugged much. Then went for ballet alone. It's official, Katherine quited. I don't know how to convey the emotions anymore, but watching the grade 1 peeps did their dance, it kinda actually brought back fondful memories. Then teacher smiled at me and I started tearing and went to changing room. How I wish I'm a grade 1 again. Grade 1 only dance according to the music, with not much of a point to point their legs and face the directions so precisely. Then the parrot came and gave me a feedback form that I don't know how to fill. So discussed with her and teacher what to do. 2 people cannot form a class, so at that point of time, one wrong word could actually leave me nowhere): Was so much on the verge of crying again. Then teacher decided to upgrade us one grade higher and combined classes. So ballet will be Saturday 3.30-6.30 with a $627(+$125) and I still have to go buy leotard, swan dance skirt, character dance skirt, character dance shoes. Wonder how much that costs. Teacher told us how much she trust me and Gina that we'll be able to learn everything by 6 months. She said she have confidence in us, and we'll fight together, because we're strong fighters and hard workers. I started crying, like duh?! Really questioning myself. One grade alone before exam is stress, big time. Now we have additional grade starting completely new and what? By 6 months and lesser we have to go for exam. So we'll have two grades exam. Wth, i can really feel the pressure setting in just as teacher marks off what needs to be done. I just mastered this grade and I hate getting used to a new grade, now it feels like I'm back to square one again. Teacher, it's not that. Not that I don't trust myself and trust you, the fact is, I'm really afraid... Because one wrong move, and there. the life of a ballerina can be completely ruined You know that as well as I know.
Well. I wonder. Just how much more demanding can the next grade get? Actually, I don't want to know. I really don't want to know... Now, struggling to maintain the height of the arabesques and developpes really hurt. Seriously, teacher? I don't want to disappoint you, but... it really hurts.
Went to Tampines then Mummy and Daddy say they want go find me. Fine, I walked around wait for them to come. And when they reached, all they did was 'We go see clothes and stuff for you brother'. Hello?! Am I like invisible or something? Then I roamed around because obviously I don't want to follow them. And just outside Arena or whatever, I collapsed onto the floor crying. Wtf. My leg is like so freaking aching from ballet and I have to wait for you all to finish shopping. If I say I want to go home and mug, I'll get a scolding. And you say I don't revise.
What the hell is this. When I finally gathered up courage to tell you the fees would be $600+/- you all stared at me and show me the blackest face ever. I know my fees are very expensive, that's why I stopped asking you all to buy me stuff. But on the other hand, you all pamper your precious son with toys. And I dare not even ask you for books, because I know cash is tight. What is this...just what? Whatever. At least that did not really get me down. I bought a black FBT, BOF OST, Sliver eyeliner pencil WITH MY OWN MONEY. Okay~ The BOF is use popular voucher.
Perhaps I should give up ballet...? I'm giving in too much. Just to continue, I have to hear your threatens, and you think it do not hurt me? I'm not made of steel, I ain't heartless, look how much you're forcing me, way nearing suicide. Like I have to practice every night just to maintain perfection, when I don't even know if I can make it. WRONG. Ballet isn't making me happy, it's crushing me.
Things to do by next weekend
`Get the grade 4 swan dance/barre/centre steps polished and up to perfection
`Revise Chinese/Geography/English/Math/Biology.
`Buy canvas ballet shoe/character shoe/character skirt/swan skirt/leotard/tights
(I will also try to not get my emotions in the way of doing things)
Labels: 成长没有任何的选择
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