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Sunday, September 20
20-September-2009 ; 8.18pm如果你也听说-张惠妹
7 more days to ballet open house
7 more days to ballet open house
Woke up today thanks to the irritating birds squeaking outside my bedroom window. Then got ready for family gathering at Orchard. Was eating halfway when the pang of gastric hit me again. Then ate painkillers but did not take effect, and I started rolling on the floor. Felt better and had to become baby-sitter for cousins. Ran after them and my youngest cousin, 2 years old sneaked to the escalator alone, causing me a massive heart-attack . Wen Jun and Zi Jun got so freaking irritating when they started tugging at my dress then yeah didn't eat anything much because felt so weak. After eating, everybody just disappeared. I mean like it's a family gathering can't we at least go shopping or something? That's it? Eat and disappear without a trace. So this is what is called family?!?! Walk walk with mummy and bought one pants and one blouse+jacket. Missed those times alot, shopping with mummy.
I've jaded, can't stop what's happening to me. Really really miss shopping with mummy. Can't trust my parents anymore. They don't ever understand so do everybody else. How can I make people realize that having depression is not crazy? Do I want to have it too if I were given a second chance? I'm wasting away my precious youth. Feeling fatigue everyday, can't stop what is happening to me. The suicidal thoughts are getting stronger by the day. I don't know how to calm and comfort myself down anymore! Really can't be strong no matter how persistent I want to be. Sinking back into depression): what's up with me!? I know, I'm never good enough. Everything also my parents threaten with ballet. You all don't understand how important ballet is to me. It really just breaks my heart when you say it. Tears can fall inevitably! Arguments are becoming frequent. Love does not even exist in the place I once called home. I'm a loner, a ghost in 1D. I hear a million conversations going around me in class and I hear the inside of myself screaming to be let free. Nobody, except myself for company. How pathetic is that?! Betrayers, bitchers! NJN are such bootchers. What do you all freaking take me for? A dispenser. Everybody else is fitting else except me, and I wonder why is that the case. Sheikha is still struggling like me. 9 months have passed in sjc, I'm getting real sick for life at Meridian; but when I went inside again, everything have changed. Guess I'm shut out of the old life, and forced to settle in this strange one. Meridian, SJC, Ballet, Home. I'm a complete stranger from the place I thought I once belonged. I hate gathering the courage to step into the school gates, aware of the ugly day ahead of me.
CAN'T FIND ANOTHER REASON TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I'm defeated, just take a look at how weak I am now. Struggling to keep up. The tension grows. Atmosphere drops. Despair resurfaces. Hope crushed. End of beginning. Beginning of end. I cried;slash;screamed;sinked and gave up. Nobody heard me. Nobody saved me. Day by day the suicidal thoughts get stronger. The background, drowning sounds seem soft. Eaten up with hatred and threaten. Regret on that. Suicide is the LAST resort.
Mrs.Wong, I'm sorry): I can't keep the promise to stop suiciding. Everything hurts just too much!
*Cool! Sheryl just text me. " Hey, your English cloze passage answer you write in the worksheet itself or you write in foolscap? Please reply asap. Thanks"
Can I ask you. In your eyes, am I just what's that's worth. When I sms you asking for help because I'm on the verge of suicide do you care? So I guess in your eyes, I'm just somebody you come to when you need help and ditch me aside when you're fine? yeah?
AHHHHH! MUMMY AND DADDY. SORRY! Giving birth to me alone was a terrible mistake.
Labels: 跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
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